Since my divorce was finalized in April of 2017, the idea of dating after divorce had pretty much been the last thing on my mind. I know it’s common for people to sometimes just jump back into a new relationship whether it’s just for fun or to get serious again, but that just wasn’t me. There were no divorce parties, high fives or any sort of celebrations about that chapter of my life coming to an end.
Divorce is like death.
Divorce is like death. I had heard the saying before and never really understood it until I actually went through it. And I don’t mean like a quick all of a sudden death. I mean like a long, slow painful death followed by a similarly long grieving period. There is really no time limit to know what this process is going to be like for you because I am sure it is different for everyone who experiences something as traumatic as divorce.
I tried to date, I really did, but it was a fucking disaster. I was completely unsure of myself and who I really was, I had no clue what I liked, what I didn’t like, or what made me tick. I was also embarrassed and quite honestly felt like a total failure. I’m a person who was use to pulling off just about everything I tried to do in life but just couldn’t get this marriage thing right. All of this was a huge blow to my confidence. I really just didn’t know who I was and who I was suppose to present as I tried to get back in the dating game.
My attempts at dating after divorce typically played out the exact same way. I would unravel and start to display all of my insecurities to every guy I met very early on. I tried to overcompensate for everything I felt I was lacking which usually led to me trying to present a version of myself that couldn’t be further from who I really was at the time – which was really just a girl who needed to figure some shit out and get to know herself again. I am 100% positive these dudes probably thought I was bat shit crazy, and I even experienced being ghosted twice, which had never happened to me before so I knew I really had to get my entire self together before trying to seriously date anybody.
Dating post divorce was definitely something I quickly realized was going to be a challenge for me. But rather than trying to dig deeper to better understand my relationship roadblocks and causes, I just plunged into what I knew best – business and goals. I had been working on this side project for a beauty business called CurlScout for a bit of time. I just decided to turn my focus solely to that. When I look back and reflect, I realize that my hyper-focus on CurlScout was mostly a distraction for me. It gave me a false sense of having it together again. I was in the zone; I was moving the needle; I had something I could put my identity behind as a “Founder”, as an “entrepreneur”. I could mask any sort of chaos I was really going through because I had this really cool idea and business concept that I could hide behind. No one would ever really know how lost and confused I really was.
I now understand that when you don’t spend time doing the necessary work to become aware of who you are, that you not only suffer personally, but everything you try to do will also suffer from career to relationships. Not having clarity of who I was, who I wanted to become and what I wanted my life to look like would make it even more impossible for me to establish a romantic relationship that aligns with all of those things. I can’t build a strong and healthy relationship if I am not strong and healthy myself.
So it’s now been almost 3 years since my divorce and I am finally dating again. You all are going to really trip out when I tell you who it is. I am not sure if you are ready for this, but here it goes. It is…………………………………………………………………….
ME! That’s right I am dating myself. I have been spending a significant amount of time getting to know myself again. Divorce was one of the hardest things I have had to deal with but it was also a blessing. It brought me back to myself – the person I had been neglecting for far too long. I am loving on me more than I ever have before. I am feeding my mind, body, and soul daily and feeling more happy than I ever thought I would be considering how I felt back in 2017. I can say with confidence that I want to get married again and will. I am a romantic and love love. What can I say. I want to be the woman I was put on this earth to be. I want to bring the best version of myself into my next relationship. But first I must love myself deeper than I ever have before.
Self-discovery is a beautiful thing. It’s one of the greatest gifts one can experience in a lifetime. While I may have been bruised by divorce, I am not easily broken and I am so thankful to be in this new chapter of learning and getting to know the real me again. I have to admit, she is a pretty cool chick and I love her.